Crazy Love

I recently borrowed and read "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. It is a deep book (with cool interactive website features). I think I'm going to have to get my own copy so that I can highlight all of Francis' profound words and not ruin someone else's copy.

What I gained from it were some not very encouraging and not very surprising insights.

1. I struggle with being lukewarm (as in I am when I would prefer to be hot hot hot).
2. I struggle with being obsessed (as in I am not when I would prefer to be so when it comes to God).
3. I need to (and want to) love God more. I need to pray about my lack of desire/action.
4. I don't really feel like I know how to develop and maintain an intimate relationship with God.

Let me expound on that last one. I desperately want to be completely in love with God so that all of my thoughts and actions are the result of my love for him. I want for my life to be nothing more (and nothing less) than an outpouring of love for my creator and Savior. I want these things, but I can't seem to figure out how to get there. I read books about developing an intimate relationship with God. I try the suggestions in the book. I have a daily quiet time where I pray and read the Bible. I read more books about loving God. I try to find ways to use my time and talents to serve others (not always, but I'm working on it). I feel like in all of this effort I am still missing the mark. I understand that a relationship is not developed through a formula. It's just so hard for me to continually think about God and to converse with him continuously because the tasks of "living" keep occupying space in my mind and day.

I try to think about it as doing what I do to maintain relationships with people I see. I will call them, email them, schedule activities and dinners to spend face-to-face time with them. I'll take pictures to commemorate occasions and post them on Facebook. I give gifts and affection. Okay, so I do this with God too, but I don't feel like it's increasing our intimacy. I think I really struggle sometimes with God's invisible quality (in relation to a physical "being" as I know God's qualities are visible through creation - it's not quite the same). Sometimes I do wish I could sit down across from God and see his facial expressions and reactions to what I tell him. Sometimes I want to give him a hug and feel his reassuring arms around me. I'd love to hear him laugh and see him smile. But I can't. So how do I fill in this gap? I don't know.

I see people who do have a deep and intimate relationship with God. They love him and know that they are loved and cherished by him. And his love is visible on their faces. It makes me wonder, what am I doing wrong? Or what am I not doing? I'm not satisfied with where I am and how I feel, but I don't know how to change it. My only thought is to continue to pray - to tell God that I want more of him, that I want to be completely surrounded by his love so that I do feel different. That I need him to deepen our relationship because I can't seem to do it with my efforts. Maybe that's it. Maybe he's calling for surrender. I guess I'll try that.

Prayer

Prayer has always been a subject of interest to me. I am always trying to learn how to be more effective in prayer. I read books about it and study scriptures on prayer. However, I struggle with trying to implement everything I learn. There are many good suggestions on how to pray. I have to be careful about keeping prayer from becoming a ritual rather than a true connection with God. Prayer without passion seems useless.

I know that there is no one right way to pray. I know that everyone does it a little different. I find that writing out my prayers in a journal is effective in keeping me focused. However, I don't always do that because I don't always take time to hear what God is trying to say to me. I may simply write out all of my requests and head on my way.

I have heard of and used the ACTS (Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication) method at times as well. I do also pray silently as well as out loud. I guess a lot of it depends on my mood.

As mentioned above, one of my biggest struggles is with listening to God, being silent and still before him. I will ask God to share his will with me but my mind will go off on other thought tangents and it will be a struggle to get my mind refocused. It's one reason I try to avoid silent prayer - I tend to get distracted. Praying out loud or through a journal definitely keep me on track in this area.

I recently finished Jim Cymbala's Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire and it talked a lot about our need for prayer if we are to have any effect in our churches and communities. Some quotes:

If we call upon the Lord, he has promised in his Word to answer, to bring the unsaved to himself, to pour out his Spirit among us. If we don’t call upon the Lord, he has promised nothing – nothing at all. It’s as simple as that. No matter…what we claim to believe in our heads, the future will depend upon our times of prayer. P.27

God has chosen prayer as his channel of blessing. He has spread a table for us with every kind of wisdom, grace, and strength because he knows exactly what we need. But the only way we can get it is to pull up to the table and taste and see that the Lord is good. P.85

The apostles prayed for God to do supernatural things. They wanted people to know their belief was more than positional or theoretical. There was power in their faith. “O God, stretch out your hand – work with us in this.” They wanted a faith that was obviously alive, a faith based not just on the cross but also on the empty tomb. P.138-139

What we are dealing with today is an Old Testament “vow religion” comprised of endless repetitions and commands to do all the right things... There is little dependence on God’s power to make an ongoing difference. There is little calling upon God to revolutionize us in a supernatural way. P.139

I want God to work in my life. I want his power to be evident. I want a faith that others can see. I want to see God move in miraculous ways. I want more of God. We need more God. And how can that happen? By seeking him desperately and diligently through prayer. Our need should drive us to our knees, to call upon God in any and all circumstance. To believe that he is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine.

And that leads to another hang up. When we ask, we are to believe that we have (Mark 11:24). Sometimes I wonder if I truly trust and believe that God will work in the situation. I know that he can, but I wonder if he will come through. My faith is so small sometimes. I hear of people in Africa praying for a man who broke his ankle and him being miraculously healed as a result of their prayers. I want to witness prayer that powerful - to have prayers that powerful. Yet I lack the belief and faith and tenacity in prayer for that to happen. My desire is great, my will is weak. I acknowledge my deficit, how do I change?

Praise the Lord for his willingness to have mercy on me and to encourage me bit by bit! The other day I was struggling with the huge gap between my desire and my actions. I was asking him how I could have more effective prayer. At the end of my heartfelt call, I picked up the Bible and began to read. I felt urged to read in Luke (a book I am reading a little at a time) so I turned to where I had last stopped and God blessed me.

"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" (Luke 11:9-13)

That was such an encouragement to read. To be reminded that I need to be persistent in my requests and that God is gracious to those who seek him.

No, I don't have it all figured out. I have the feeling that this is going to be a lifelong journey, but I am thankful that I have a loving God who will guide me along the way.