Christ Centered Marriage

I listened to Christ Centered Relationships part 2 from Cornerstone Church this morning while on the elliptical machine at the gym. It's a great way to make valuable use of time and engage my mind along with my body.

Lisa Chan did most of the speaking toward women/wives. It talked a lot about Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3, focusing on submitting to our husbands. Her focus was about us being/becoming the godly women we were created to be. To concern ourselves with being obedient to Christ in our lives. It's not about what our spouses are or are not doing. We cannot wait for them to do what they are supposed to do before we do what we are supposed to do. Our call is to do what God wants us to do in spite of what everyone else is doing.

The question is, Is Jesus really our role model (who we are trying to be more like) or is he just a Savior? Do we like what he did for us simply for our benefit or do we want to be more like him? Do we want to demonstrate service and sacrifice like he did or just admire him for it?

Lisa talked cited 1 Peter 3 in reminding us that our actions can have a lot of power. Especially to wives whose husbands are not Christ followers. Being Christ to our husbands can cause changes in them (while at the same time changing us, obviously). Wives need to remember that God knows us and he knows our spouse. He hasn't left us to ourselves, but is working in us and through us.

I was really hit by the call to serve and sacrifice for our spouses. (I think there was a third "s" but I can't remember what it was.) I do want to be a godly wife and to support (maybe that was the third "s"?) my husband and to trust him as the head of our family. God created this system and he knows what he's doing and I ought to honor that. I was thinking about how it's hard to get out of my selfish mindset even in marriage to truly seek to serve Adam. And even harder to purposefully sacrifice myself and my dreams.

We all have these goals for our lives and, when we get married, we bring them with us. At some point there may be friction between what we have always wanted and what is asked of us in marriage. Francis talked about Lisa's dream to be a professional singer and choosing to give that up so that she and her husband could share the same vision of starting a new church. I don't know if I have any dreams that will have to be put aside for my marriage, but I'd like to think that I would be willing to do so. It was a very poignant and challenging message. If you'd like to hear it for yourself, go here and scroll down to the message on 08/10/08.

P.S. The third S was "suffering" (as in Jesus served, suffered, and sacrificed). I don't exactly know that anyone would want to say they "suffer" in their marriage. Might not come across very well...

Door-to-door Jam

A few months ago I was pondering how to become engaged in my community, more specifically with those in my neighborhood. I have met a lot of people through tennis which has been nice. And many of our immediate neighbors are pretty friendly, though we're not always in the loop as we have no kids. However, there are still several on our block I've never met or don't know their names, most particularly our neighbor immediately to our right. I was trying to figure out how to meet everyone. At Halloween a lot of neighbors gather in the cul-de-sac to have a potluck and pass out candy, but that's only once a year. I had thought about hosting a social or something, but we've been too busy to add another event.

About a month ago I picked strawberries and made waaaaaay too much freezer jam. I decided that passing it out would be a great way to say hi and connect. Who doesn't like strawberry jam, right? (Apparently Neal doesn't.) So I settled on that idea, but have been remiss in following through. Part of it is not knowing when people are home. The other part is I'm not particularly outgoing and the idea of going door to door (even though I'm not selling something) makes me a little nervous.

Recently I've been praying for courage because I know it's something that needs to be done (and the jam is taking up too much space in the freezer). Yesterday afternoon, as I was preparing to go to the gym, I figured it was as good a time as any to drop some off to people so I put six containers in a cooler and headed out. I figured it wouldn't take long. Two and a half hours later I realized I was not visiting the gym that day.

My first stop was our neighbor two doors down. I knew that the woman worked from home so I figured she would be available. Unexpectedly she invited me in to sit and talk. She shared that it seemed like good timing because her family had just learned a week or two before that her husband has cancer. They removed it but he still has to go through radiation. She asked for prayer. Apart from that, I learned a lot about her and her family. It made me thankful that I was finally being faithful to what I needed to do.

My second and third stops were to next door neighbors who were outside. We all chatted for a bit. One of the women is someone I have spent more time with than most of the other neighbors. It wasn't very long, but I passed out jam to both of them.

The fourth stop was to a family I had only spoken to at the Halloween potluck. I learned that the husband recently had surgery and is on disability. They were preparing to go to the pool so I didn't stay very long.

The fifth visit was up the street to the police officer's house. I hadn't really talked to him since Halloween either. He was a little skeptical about my purpose until I told him I lived three houses down. He remembered my husband and asked how Adam was doing. Kind of funny to me.

My last stop of the afternoon was to a house whose inhabitants I had never met. I had seen the woman going in to the house on the way up to number five so I knew someone was home. I rang the door bell and waited as a dog barked inside. I waited long enough that I didn't think anyone was coming. As I was headed back down the driveway the front door opened. So I met the lady and told her who I was. We talked for a while on her front porch. She's lived here since the beginning of the neighborhood. At one point she asked what I was doing and I told her I was trying to meet some of the neighbors and gave her the jam. She's very friendly.

All in all a very successful first venture. Not at all what I had anticipated. Much, much better in fact. I still have a number of other houses to visit, including our next door neighbor, but I am very encouraged after yesterday. I don't really know what all will come of this, but I am enjoying the process all the same as it's stretching me a little.

How has God been stretching you? How do you engage your community?

3...2...1...Contact

God is so good! I guess He's reading my blog because he certainly responded to the last one. Obviously, not in the comments section or I wouldn't have to tell you about it.

Okay, so I talked about how God has previously humbled me regarding being frustrated with initiating contact with friends. And I really have been okay with this fact as of late. I made plans to attend a friend's bachelorette party in order to spend some time with her (because we all know you don't talk to the bride or groom at their actual wedding and reception). We all had a blast and I am glad that I was proactive. We are headed up to N.C. next weekend for Adam's high school reunion and I have contacted my friends in Winston-Salem to get together while we're up there. I also called a friend I haven't spoken to since December and left her a message. She left me a message so hopefully we'll connect later this week. All of these people mean enough to me that I am willing to put forth an effort even if I'm always the one making contact. (For those of you who don't hear from me, that doesn't mean that I don't like you. Feel free to call me and let me know you're offended. It'll be a great way for us to K.I.T.)

On top of all this exciting catching up, in the last few days I've had two unexpected contacts. My friend Renee emailed me to say that she and the family will be in Atlanta later this week and to see what my schedule looked like. I am so excited to see her and to meet her kids. I haven't seen her since my wedding nearly three years ago. Last night my friend Kim called to say that she and her family will be stopping in Atlanta on their way to Elizabeth City next week and was wondering what we would be up to. I don't work Tuesdays, generally, so I am looking forward to seeing them. I haven't seen her since her first daughter was born a few months after our wedding so that will be fun. God is truly blessing me!

K.I.T.

A while back I was discussing with Adam that it was somewhat frustrating that it seemed that, whenever I communicate with friends from high school or college, it would be because I initiated the contact. It seemed like I was always the one making the effort to stay in touch. Adam asked me if I was the one that generally planned the activities and coordinated gatherings and that was probably true as well. It makes sense that established patterns would be continued. The issue with me was that it felt like I was the only one wanting to keep in touch because I made all of the effort. I was struggling with wanting to feel wanted and pursued. I think that it can be true that I try to hold on to friendships/relationships after their time has expired. I am quite aware that there are seasonal people that are not meant to be lifelong friends, but generally I like my friends so much that I don’t want any of them to be seasonal. However, it is also impossible to sustain a lot of close relationships. And I’m not one to have a lot of surface relationships. I much prefer having a few with deep roots. Still, it’s hard to let go of any. Despite my craziness, God still loves me and shows his love for me. Twice, I’ve been struggling with not hearing from someone who I really want to stay in contact with and then they’ve called when I have pretty much given up hope of ever hearing from them. I know that God can and will provide me with the friendships and supports I need if I will just trust him and ask him.

I think that I’ve gotten better with this issue. In face-to-face interactions with friends, we generally do most of the contacting. We usually understand that people are just busy. There are times when the feelings of frustration arise a bit and I have to remind myself that it’s just life. I’m not going to stop trying to keep up with people just because I don’t want to do all of the initiating. If I did that, I would be pretty lonely. If I want to maintain friendships, then I have to be okay with the work that is involved.

I’m curious as to whether anyone else has struggled with this. If so, what have you done?

Explicit Lyrics Week 5

Extended Play: Keeping Passion Alive
Song of Songs 7:1-8:3

Message Notes:
At the beginning of the scripture Solomon is once again verbally complimenting his wife, this time starting with the feet and working his way up. Jeff mentioned that only those who were trusted in a household were allowed to wear sandals because it meant they were free to come and go as they pleased. Obviously Solomon trusted his wife. He gave her freedom rather than controlling her.

Verse 4 indicates the importance of privacy and confidentiality in one's marriage so that both partners can feel safe and be free to be honest and vulnerable.

Romance is about giving to one another. Appreciating, valuing and respecting one another. Romance dies when we forget about the preciousness of our mate.

When was the last time you verbally expressed admiration or appreciation to your spouse?

Take time to notice the big and little things your spouse does in/for your marriage.

Never in Song of Songs is there domination of one person over the other. It is a relationship of mutual respect and service.

Early on it was in your nature to be romantic. Later, it must become a discipline. Busyness is the enemy of romance.

To have what you once had, you must do what you once did. Are there romantic things that we used to do that we no longer do?

Romance is rooted in the spontaneous and the unexpected. To get what you've never had, you must do what you've never done.

How can we make sure that our best days are still ahead of us?

Personal application: I should think about what I did to romance Adam when we were dating and determine whether I continue to do those things. If not, I should start to incorporate them into my expressions of love for him. I need to make sure I am letting him know that I appreciate him for who he is and what he does.

Explicit Lyrics Week 4

Note: You may be wondering what happened to week 3. Adam and I were on vacation in Aruba so I will have to listen to the message and post a response later.

Broken Records: When Love Breaks Your Heart
Song of Songs 5:2-6:13

Jeff started out talking about seven major areas of conflict in marriage: communication, finances, sex, raising children, work, in-laws, and major illnesses. Adam and I agreed that three of the last four were not relevant at present to our marriage.

We learned that the number one cause of relational conflict is selfishness and the number one trait for diffusing conflict is humility.

I was already quite aware of selfishness' role in relational conflict. I have been struggling lately with selflessness. I hate admitting that I'm selfish and yet no one would be surprised to hear me say it. The fact is, we all naturally care most about ourselves and our wants and we have to work hard to change our mindset to consider others. It has been a prayer request of mine for quite some time. I can see how my selfishness keeps me from being more loving and considerate of others, especially my spouse. I hate that that's the case but I suppose acknowledgement is the first part of change.

Anywho, in the section of Scripture, we see Beloved choosing her own desires over showing love to Solomon. We also see her seeking to remedy her mistake by searching for Solomon so that she can apologize. And we also see that Solomon does not react negatively to her rejection, but continues to demonstrate his love in spite of his hurt.

That's certainly an example we all can learn from. I know my natural response when hurt is to figure out how the other person can feel as I feel. Now, I generally try to let this thought pass in order to be able to share feelings in a non-hurt, non-aggressive way. However, it goes against every inclination to be loving toward whoever has hurt me. I know that that is what Jesus did, and I want to be like him, but this attitude requires a lot of work and effort.

Jeff said there was research (did not hear source) that found that couples who pray and read their Bible every day (not necessarily together) have a likelihood of divorce of 1 in 1150 couples. Those couples that go to church but do not have these two disciplines have a likelihood of 6 in 10 just like the national average.

He also said that the first nine years of marriage are the toughest. Adam pointed out that we're a third of the way through...

We were told that the bridge from selfishness to humility is service and communication.

We were asked to ponder the following questions in relation to our marriage: Am I giving or demanding in my relationship? Offering or withdrawing? Depositing or taking away? Generous or stingy with affection? Open-handed or close-handed? Easy or hard to get along with?

We are also supposed to sit down and communicate openly and honestly with our spouse about our marriage.

Our final thought was: Fake it until you make it. Act loving until you feel loving.

My personal question from this was how do you distinguish selfishness from legitimate need? There are things that you want your spouse to do for you. Are these things desired from selfishness or are they reasonable requests, things it is okay to ask for? The hard thing for me is to express what I want because there's always the fear of rejection if nothing results. It's one thing to have a need that isn't met because it isn't known. When a need is expressed and then not met, what are you to think? Does the other person not care enough to act? Do they not realize its importance to you? Are they just not able to do it? There are so many unknowns that it's a little scary to be transparent. But I guess that's a risk that one must be willing to take. A need unexpressed will almost always go unfulfilled. One expressed has at least a 50% chance of being met. Those odds are quite a bit better.

So what's my application? Continue to pray and seek to lay aside my selfishness in my relationships. To continue to express love despite what I am receiving (to not let my emotions decide my actions, but truth and what is right).

Explicit Lyrics Week 2

Requests and Dedications: Falling in Love

It may seem that I'm a little belated in writing up my thoughts on this past week's message. I was in the nursery on Sunday and have just now listened to it from our website. It really isn't quite the same as hearing it in person, but I'm thankful for the opportunity to hear it all the same.

This Sunday the theme was dating/courting. Jeff asked everyone to discuss with their neighbor one of three dating experiences: their first date, their most embarrassing date, or their most memorable date (cautioning that the most memorable probably should be one they experienced with their spouse). I honestly don't remember when or what my first date was. It's hard to classify dating when you're in high school and neither person can drive. :-) Since I didn't know I was supposed to swap dating stories with Alex in the nursery, I'll share with you here.

I think my most memorable date was my first Valentine's Day with Adam. During the day he brought me six red roses, each with a little paper heart attached to them. Five of the hearts listed his favorite memories with me in the five months we'd been dating and the sixth was for our future memories (swoon!). He also gave me a note inviting me to his apartment that evening for dinner. When I arrived, he had prepared London broil, broccoli casserole, and chocolate fondue. Yummy! After dinner, he started telling me all of the things he liked about me, but about the third one in he started saying, "I love..." which was a big deal because we had not said "I love you" to one another and Adam had said that he only wanted to say it to the woman he was going to marry. So, I was freaking out in my head (in a good way) and not listening at all to what he was saying (which I have learned was going to be a habit for all of Adam's great romantic speeches, unfortunately). Finally he said that he loves me and I said it back because I do. Such an awesome day!

Thinking about the paper hearts made me want to read them again, so I stopped in the middle of my typing and found them in a little scrapbook I had started when we were dating. I found them along with two poems I had written that Valentine's day before the awesome evening. They're kind of silly and sophomoric, but I'll share one anyway and then get back to the sermon (long sidetrack, huh?).

Questions of Love

When?

I looked into your eyes

Those gorgeous brown eyes

That penetrate deep inside

That see exactly who I am

That reveal so much

I can read your thoughts

Your emotions

Your desires

How?

With every part of me

With Christ's example

My thoughts

My actions

My smile

Why?

Because of Christ in you?

Because I see you?

Because you see me?

Because of the way you make me feel?

Just because?

Does it really matter why?

I only know that I do

And that makes all the difference.

So after all of that, back to task. The sermon went through Song of Songs 1:15-3:5. Adam said that Jeff read SoS 2:16 which is the verse inscribed inside his wedding ring. Jeff talked about how you should never stop dating your spouse and even issued a challenge to the men to take their spouse on a date this week and to be creative. The women were to email Jeff at mystudmuffin@cccobb.com with the details for the chance to win a free dinner for two. I wonder how that'll go.

In the message Jeff talked about how time and separation should kindle (not dwindle) love if you are courting the right person. Just before he said this I had been thinking about how awesome it was that Adam was willing to endure unusual circumstances in order to date me. I mentioned in my post about week 1 of this series that I was concerned about starting a relationship when I was going to be on another continent for a semester. You often hear about the perils of long distance relationships and it seems kind of odd to START dating someone you can only contact via email and telephone and won't physically see for the rest of the year. While we didn't officially term ourselves dating when I headed out, we communicated A LOT via the avenues available to us. In fact, it wasn't until one of my fellow study abroaders asked about our relationship that everything was defined. She asked, "Do you have a boyfriend?" I said, "I don't know, maybe." I then spoke to Adam about what he told people on our next phone call and he said that he said we were dating, which was fine with me. When I reported back, she asked, "Are you exclusive?" Um...*shrug* So you know what the subject of our next conversation was. I said I didn't want to date anyone else and Adam said he didn't either and so we were officially in an exclusive dating relationship. Nice and simple. :-P Anyway, I think our circumstances really allowed us to learn a lot about the other person without the distraction of physical temptation. Of course, when we finally did see each other again...in the airport...with my mom...and two friends, it was a little awkward. Good ole' mom, though, made me walk Adam out after he'd dropped us off at our hotel so that we could have a little one-on-one time. Wow, way sidetracked.

I LOVE our story, can you tell? It's so crazy and awesome and always makes me smile.

Jeff also said that we should feel more alive and our faith should grow when we are with that person. Courting is about emotional discovery and airing out our past. If we aren't comfortable sharing our past with our boy/girlfriend, we should not give them our future. During this time we should also talk about our future plans and hopes to make sure the relationship is on the right track.

His final thought was that God can do incredible things in our lives, but only if we obey him. I think he was referring to being obedient in our relationships, specifically in regards to purity within them.

Obedience to God has kind of been a theme for me recently. Jill and I talked about it on Tuesday. I mentioned it in the last message response post. Jeff talked about it in this message. I guess that continues to be my application until I get it down. Not that I am necessarily being purposefully obedient. It is more of recognizing God's will for me and acting on it. Doing what is necessary regardless of how I feel. Sacrificing selfish desires and personal needs to show God's love through my life.

P.S. - Somehow the paragraph spacing stopped after the poem and I don't know how to fix it again. Anyone who knows what may have happened, please let me know. It looks fine in compose mode, but when I hit "Preview" it all squeezed together. Thanks!