K.I.T. and Facebook

I am once again feeling a little frustrated about the issue of maintaining relationships. This time it's slightly different. I am recently aware of my efforts to contact people and then not receiving a response back. My previous concern was with having to always initiate contact. This new revelation is like the second layer - initiating but then hearing nothing in reply.

I do realize that people are busy. I also know how hard it is to maintain long-distance relationships, especially when you have friendships in your local area that you are trying to maintain. I can't really fault anyone for choosing to spend their time keeping up with those they see over those they used to see. It can be a little difficult for me sometimes to lose once-close friendships. I guess my purpose in blogging about it is to help me deal with the emotions involved with losing friends. Sharing helps me to let go and move on.

I am realizing more and more that Facebook has become a way to appear to maintain contact with others. You "friend" someone because you have known them at some point in your life. You may never visit their page or comment on their status or photos, but you feel like you're still connected. You may decide to look at their info every once in a while, but choose not to leave any indication that you visited. Relationships usually involve communication (specifically two-way) and Facebook (or Myspace - I'm not prejudiced) has helped to disconnect us even more while helping us to think that we're actually more connected. I think it would be interesting if there was a feature that would remove friends from your list if no contact had been made between either party for a certain period of time. I know I'd have a lot fewer "friends".

And that's another thing that irks me but that I am guilty of as well. "Facebook friends" - people that you don't really care to stay in regular contact with but are okay with them learning about your life online. It can really hurt to learn that you have been relegated to "Facebook friend" status when you thought you and the other person were closer than that - this happens when you learn about some major life change/event via the person's status rather than a phone call, email or some other somewhat direct mode of contact. I realize that email can be depersonalized, just like those group Messages people send out through Facebook, but at least they thought about clicking on your address versus skipping over you. Not that this really brings much comfort.

Okay, enough of that for today. I didn't even mention the whole mess of "defriending", which I'm sure will be discussed in a future rant. Until then, just because you never hear from me on Facebook doesn't mean you aren't important to me... (Right?)

60-60 Post 3

Well, this week has been a bit better than last week with being faithful to recognize the beeps. I am trying to make sure I am following through with the prodding to call or email people. I really do want to be obedient to the leading of the Holy Spirit. I have seen God bless me through my obedience.

In our Running Partners group on Sunday, one of the questions we ask is how we can encourage one another throughout the week. I said that I would benefit from being held accountable to actually taking time with God when I heard my watch beep rather than hearing the beep and continuing on with whatever I was doing. On Monday, one of the women called me to see how I was doing that day. I was very encouraged that she cared enough to follow up with me. I am really enjoying our women's Running Partner meetings.

Yesterday was a really good day. I had to wait on some guys to come finish our floors which gave me plenty of time for reading, prayer, and connecting with others. I called my friend Jill as she was on a road trip up to Kentucky. We had such an awesome and encouraging conversation. I shared with her that sometimes I would sort of feel like I can't communicate with God until my watch beeps, but that's silly and somewhat legalistic. The whole purpose of this exercise is to spend more time with God throughout the day. He's perfectly fine with hearing from me at the top of the hour, fifteen minutes after the hour, thirty minutes after the hour, etc (or at all of those times). The point is that I am supposed to be seeking God for all things at all times in all areas of my life. So I was sort of excited that I was seeking God at random times and not just those that are already scheduled.

So that's a bit of how this week has gone. I feel like I've done better at trying to reach out to people in the ways I am being led to do so. I know that I have missed some opportunities, but I know that God values relationships so I want to work harder at connecting whenever the opportunity arises.

If you're doing the 60-60, how has your week been? Feel like you're floundering or making progress?

A New Way to Live Together

Today I was reading chapter seven in Soul Revolution (by John Burke). It's all about relating to others. It was such a good chapter. I really needed to be reminded of what community should look like. It describes the type of community I want to experience. I want to share some excerpts from the chapter.

God wants to lead you into a freedom to fully be you - who he created you to be - free to respond to him and better love those closest to you. p.105

It will mean overcoming our fears - fears of trusting, fears of rejection, fears of being let down or hurt. p.106

God wants a community of people who tangibly show his grace to one another - who demonstrate his acceptance and who draw near to each other without condemnation. p.107

Grace allows people to come out of hiding, to be authentic, to stop concealing their wounds or pretending it's all good! p.109

At our church, we say "No Perfect People Allowed." We tell people, "If you want to pretend you have no struggles, no problems, no sins, no wounds, then go play that game somewhere else, because that's not real. But if we can agree to be authentic with our struggles, doubts, and temptations, then we can actually walk together, pray for each other, and help each other grow." p.110

Healing almost always comes through community. It's God's plan. Spirituality is relational! p.112

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. James 5:16

God ants to lead us to be a healing community as simple, ordinary people learn to accept, forgive, encourage, and walk with each other no matter how ugly or messy it gets. p.113

Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another. Hebrews 10:24-25

With 2

I am quite behind in posting my notes from our second week of the With series. And I'll be even farther behind with week three because I wasn't here to hear it and have yet to make it to the website. I am so slack these days. Anyway, here's a very belated recap of the message two weeks ago.


I'm With Stupid

Joseph - coat of many colors, dreams of superiority (Genesis 37-45): didn't exactly do the smartest thing by showing off his favoritism and sharing his crazy dreams.

Sometimes we think that if we are with the right people, then everything will be okay.

We think relational happiness comes from finding people who are easy to get along with.

"We all, like sheep, have gone astray." (Isaiah 53:6) -> We all make mistakes and hurt others by our words and actions. The big thing is to admit our failures and take responsibility for our part.

In Joseph's story, no one ever tries to work out their issues with one another. The brothers don't ask Joseph to stop wearing the coat or sharing his dreams. Instead they sell him into slavery.

Our tendency is to avoid issues/conflict/confrontation with others.
>Avoidance kills community (no one grows or changes)
>When things go unaddressed and undealt with, relationships suffer
>"Do not let the sun go down on your anger" (Ephesians 4:26)

Is there anything you need to talk about with someone that has not been addressed?

People who love authentic community prefer the temporary chaos of conflict to the peace of permanent superficiality.

We need truth tellers to remind us of our values, let us know where we get off track, and to encourage us to do the right thing.

Genesis 39:2, 20-23 "The Lord was WITH Joseph...
>Just because he had difficult times doesn't mean God wasn't with him.

Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."

Genesis 50:20 -> "You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good.

Some of the best things in life come from the most unlikely of places.

Romans 8:31,34,35,37 What shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?...Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died - more than that, who was raised to life - is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger of sword?...No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.


This was such an encouraging message that helped me to remember that no matter what is going on in my life, God is still with me guiding me through. I also really liked the comment about authentic community. I am not good at small talk and surface relationships. I want honesty and depth and real life. While these types of relationships are sometimes hard and messy, I desire them more than the easy breezy no-commitment ones because there is a richness to it that you don't get staying at the surface. I like to feel connected to people. To have people who know all about me - the good and the bad - and still choose to be in relationship with me.

So what would be my personal application? I guess to continue to put myself out there in order to build authentic community. To be honest with my issues as well as to be bold enough to confront others when necessary. I do struggle with conflict. I'd much prefer to let things smooth over, but that doesn't make anything better. I am growing slowly but surely in this area. I think marriage helps. Well, what really helps is to have a relationship that you are invested in and desire for it to be the best and healthiest it can be which means sometimes doing the hard thing of dealing with issues. I guess that's why marriage comes to mind, because it is one of those relationships for me.

What about you? Do you have any relationships that you are invested in enough to deal with conflict?

Motivation

I have been thinking about how my job in the church office could cause others to misconstrue the motivation or drive behind some of the things I do. Relationships are important to me. I enjoy getting to know people better on a one-on-one format as that works best for me and my introvert tendencies. I have had the desire to develop a specific relationship with someone who attends our church and am excited to see what happens. It is something that God has laid on my heart to do and it is also something I want to do.

I have also felt the urge to visit a few other people that I don't see very often, probably because it's summer and everyone takes vacations during this time. I am thankful that my job allows me to take time to see people during the day. However, I wonder if some think that I am visiting them because I "work for the church." I don't want others to think I'm "just doing my job" rather than doing something of my own prerogative. I'm sure that pastors feel this much more acutely than us lowly office administrators, but I still wonder if people think I've been instructed to contact them.

I am sure that there will be people that think that but I hope that most people attribute my actions to genuine care. I don't know how one is to gauge these thoughts, I just wanted to share my concern. I wonder if Jeff or Neal (our pastors) think about this or feel this way as well.

Sex and the Soul

I recently read a book called Sex and the Soul: Juggling Sexuality, Spirituality, Romance and Religion on America's College Campuses by Donna Freitas. It was a book resulting from her research on different college campuses ranging from evangelical Christian schools to Catholic schools to secular universities. It was quite interesting to read about her conversations with a variety of college students.

There were definitely a lot of differences between the atmosphere at the evangelical Christian schools and the other types. It was interesting to learn that Catholic campuses were pretty much the same as secular universities in attitudes and behaviors.

While I was reading the book, I was thinking about my experiences while at school. I could see how religion could be divorced from sexual experiences on many universities, even if one is a Christian. I did flounder spiritually until I got involved in a campus Christian group and was able to spend time with others who shared my beliefs and values. I needed people who would encourage me to live what I believe and to help me grow in my spiritual relationship with God. If I hadn't found the group, I don't know what I would be like now.

When I arrived on campus, there was no one really telling me what churches were in the area or what groups were available on campus to become involved in. Sure there's a link on the school website that lists all of the organizations on campus, but how does that help me find one that is a good fit? I didn't have any friends who could point me in the right direction.

The book also opened my eyes more to what many students experience on college, the hook-up culture. Yes, I saw bits and pieces of it but it wasn't really part of my personal experience. I'm sure part of it was due to my lack of involvement in the party scene. I can't imagine trying to develop a committed, respectful relationship out of a one night stand. And yet, according to the book, this is what many women hope because they do not see another way of attracting a guy.

The book filled me with sorrow and compassion for all of the young men and women who cannot see a way out of the pressure-filled social scene laced with alcohol and casual sex. It has made me even more desirous to complete the book I'm working on to get it out there. Perhaps if more options were presented, it would help students to think what they truly want for themselves rather than going with the flow.

Christ Centered Marriage

I listened to Christ Centered Relationships part 2 from Cornerstone Church this morning while on the elliptical machine at the gym. It's a great way to make valuable use of time and engage my mind along with my body.

Lisa Chan did most of the speaking toward women/wives. It talked a lot about Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3, focusing on submitting to our husbands. Her focus was about us being/becoming the godly women we were created to be. To concern ourselves with being obedient to Christ in our lives. It's not about what our spouses are or are not doing. We cannot wait for them to do what they are supposed to do before we do what we are supposed to do. Our call is to do what God wants us to do in spite of what everyone else is doing.

The question is, Is Jesus really our role model (who we are trying to be more like) or is he just a Savior? Do we like what he did for us simply for our benefit or do we want to be more like him? Do we want to demonstrate service and sacrifice like he did or just admire him for it?

Lisa talked cited 1 Peter 3 in reminding us that our actions can have a lot of power. Especially to wives whose husbands are not Christ followers. Being Christ to our husbands can cause changes in them (while at the same time changing us, obviously). Wives need to remember that God knows us and he knows our spouse. He hasn't left us to ourselves, but is working in us and through us.

I was really hit by the call to serve and sacrifice for our spouses. (I think there was a third "s" but I can't remember what it was.) I do want to be a godly wife and to support (maybe that was the third "s"?) my husband and to trust him as the head of our family. God created this system and he knows what he's doing and I ought to honor that. I was thinking about how it's hard to get out of my selfish mindset even in marriage to truly seek to serve Adam. And even harder to purposefully sacrifice myself and my dreams.

We all have these goals for our lives and, when we get married, we bring them with us. At some point there may be friction between what we have always wanted and what is asked of us in marriage. Francis talked about Lisa's dream to be a professional singer and choosing to give that up so that she and her husband could share the same vision of starting a new church. I don't know if I have any dreams that will have to be put aside for my marriage, but I'd like to think that I would be willing to do so. It was a very poignant and challenging message. If you'd like to hear it for yourself, go here and scroll down to the message on 08/10/08.

P.S. The third S was "suffering" (as in Jesus served, suffered, and sacrificed). I don't exactly know that anyone would want to say they "suffer" in their marriage. Might not come across very well...

Trusting God

I just finished listening to a message titled Christ Centered Relationships (pt 1) by Francis and Lisa Chan at Cornerstone Church. It was soooo good. I really needed to hear it. In it, I was reminded that I am to get all of my fulfillment from God. My husband is not supposed to meet all of my needs, God is. Marriage may last a lifetime, but then there's eternity and our purpose on this earth is to show God's love to the world - to everyone. Christ's love was not selfish - he did not focus on getting his part or having his needs filled up. His focus was on reaching those who needed love and glorifying the Father.

Like we've all heard before, marriage is not about happiness but holiness. God has a purpose for our marriage, if we are married. When we meet him after death, he is not going to ask if we had a happy marriage. He is going to ask if we pointed others to him. This world is passing away and we need to focus on what is next.

Paul exhorted married people to live as they were single (1 Corinthians 7:29-31). Chan explained this that we are not to get completely wrapped up in our families, but to continue to love and serve others. Not that we're supposed to ignore our spouses, but that we are to still serve God in marriage by serving others (including our spouses). The Chans were much more eloquent in their delivery and you may prefer to hear it for yourself here (07/27/08 message).

Francis talked about feeling God's calling to start a church just three weeks after he and Lisa were married. Lisa's response that when she married him she believed that God would lead her and their through him really hit me. Is that what I believe in my own marriage? God says that the man is the spiritual head. Do I trust him at his word and live that in our marriage? I want to if I'm not. My desire is to trust that God's plan for marriage and his set up of the roles of husbands and wives is best and to submit to his design. It's such an eye opener. It isn't about whether or not I trust my husband. It's bigger than that. It's do I trust that God knows what is best for me? He created me. All his ways right and true.

What application do I have from this message? It's for me to answer the question, "Do I really trust God?" And if I do, then I must act like it. I know that he is trustworthy, but I must put feet to my faith. I also need to look to God rather than my husband to meet all of my needs. Once again, it's a trust issue. Do I trust God to come through for me? If I do, then I must act like it. I guess that's my new mantra: If I trust God, then I must act like it.

What about you? Do you struggle with trusting God? What would it look like for you to act like you do?

The Wonder Years

This past Sunday's message was shared by Neal. It's about the years between Jesus' childhood and adult ministry. Below are notes and application. You can listen to it here.

Luke 2:41-52

We don't know much about the life of Jesus between when he was a child and age 30. What we can know is gleaned from Luke where it begins with the family's trip to Jerusalem when he was 12.

"And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men." v52

Neal expounded on this using alliteration.

Stature - physical growth (Jesus grew up like a normal, typical Jewish boy)

At this point, I was thinking, how can wisdom be an "S" word? Wisdom....sage....sagacity! I then whispered the word to Adam shortly before Neal confirmed my skills.

Sagacity - wisdom (everyone was amazed at his knowledge of God)

Spirituality - favor with God (extremely devout family, Jesus was putting into practice what he was learning from God)

Socially - favor with man (relationships, drawing people to God)
>The average man and woman loved Jesus, it was the hypocritical religious leaders that didn't like him.
>Jesus was invited to a wedding indicating that he was well liked and fun. When there was a crisis, people turned to him indicating his dependability in tough situations. This is where he performed his first miracle (John 2:11 - indicating that he hadn't shown any inclination toward supernatural powers previously).

When Jesus was growing up, he was preparing himself for what he was going to do. What are we preparing ourselves for?

Romans 8:15-17 - we are God's children, heirs with Christ; we are also to share in Christ's glory

God has a part for us to play. We need to prepare ourselves and step into our God-given role. Jesus didn't have to fulfill his appointed role. He chose to do it. And so must we.

What is the stage of life you are being called out of for something new? Are you growing in the four "S"s? What is at least one area you can grow in this summer?

Personal Thoughts: I am part of the women's walking group for the summer which indicates social and stature (relationships and health). There is also an element of the spiritual as we have mini devotions and are encouraged to pray for one another and to develop an accountability relationship with another woman. I have that covered in Jill. I am also trying to reach out more to our neighbors as indicated in a previous post and am involved in tennis with others in the neighborhood. I can always use more wisdom and favor with God. I have been remiss at adding scripture to my heart so that it can become part of my life and actions. I should put more effort into practicing what I am learning from God as well as meditating on His Word.

Explicit Lyrics Week 6

I know I'm a little behind in posting this. I was in the nursery during service and then out of town at a wedding the following weekend. Regardless I figured it'd be nice to finish up the series for those who might be interested. You can listen to all six messages here. Below are my notes.

Our Song: In It For the Long Haul
Song of Songs 8:5-14

Jeff asked all of the couples if they have a song. I would probably have to say that "Not Fire Not Ice" is our song because it's what we danced to at our reception. However, we both really enjoy Sister Hazel so they could be considered the background noise of our relationship.

In SoS 8:5 Beloved is building Solomon up.
From verses 6-7 Jeff gave us seven aspects of love:

1. Love is personal - a seal is a mark of ownership
2. Love is protective - fighting for and not against one another
3. Love is powerful - as strong as death
4. Love is possessive - you should be one another's ONLY love (good jealousy)
5. Love is passionate - burns like a fire (white hot, consistent, continuous)
6. Love perseveres - water cannot quench it, rivers cannot wash it away (endures hardship)
7. Love is priceless - you can buy sex, but not love; it can only be given

Marriage is supposed to be a display of God's love. What picture of God is our marriage giving to others? Does our marriage display the seven aspects of love to others?

Beloved's brothers (v 8-9) protected her purity in childhood. A lot of what happens in childhood affects our freedom in our marriage. If you didn't have a perfect childhood, God can heal your past.

Challenge to parents to guard their children's purity. In our culture, chastity is not a virtue, it's a joke. That's why parents need to teach them what God says. Don't believe the lie that they are "just going to do it anyway." We are all fully aware of ourselves and choose who to give ourselves to. Help them to see their value and worth so that they don't act like they are cheap or easy.

We all have failed relationally at some point. We have to believe that God can heal anyone and anything.

Personal application: I need to really consider my marriage and what it is revealing about God. Do we demonstrate the seven aspects of love toward one another and others?
I loved the challenge to parents. I am not yet a parent, but I have a passion for encouraging young women to pursue purity. It's essentially the basis for the book I'm writing. I need to continue to work diligently toward it's completion as this message is relevant and needed.

Door-to-door Jam

A few months ago I was pondering how to become engaged in my community, more specifically with those in my neighborhood. I have met a lot of people through tennis which has been nice. And many of our immediate neighbors are pretty friendly, though we're not always in the loop as we have no kids. However, there are still several on our block I've never met or don't know their names, most particularly our neighbor immediately to our right. I was trying to figure out how to meet everyone. At Halloween a lot of neighbors gather in the cul-de-sac to have a potluck and pass out candy, but that's only once a year. I had thought about hosting a social or something, but we've been too busy to add another event.

About a month ago I picked strawberries and made waaaaaay too much freezer jam. I decided that passing it out would be a great way to say hi and connect. Who doesn't like strawberry jam, right? (Apparently Neal doesn't.) So I settled on that idea, but have been remiss in following through. Part of it is not knowing when people are home. The other part is I'm not particularly outgoing and the idea of going door to door (even though I'm not selling something) makes me a little nervous.

Recently I've been praying for courage because I know it's something that needs to be done (and the jam is taking up too much space in the freezer). Yesterday afternoon, as I was preparing to go to the gym, I figured it was as good a time as any to drop some off to people so I put six containers in a cooler and headed out. I figured it wouldn't take long. Two and a half hours later I realized I was not visiting the gym that day.

My first stop was our neighbor two doors down. I knew that the woman worked from home so I figured she would be available. Unexpectedly she invited me in to sit and talk. She shared that it seemed like good timing because her family had just learned a week or two before that her husband has cancer. They removed it but he still has to go through radiation. She asked for prayer. Apart from that, I learned a lot about her and her family. It made me thankful that I was finally being faithful to what I needed to do.

My second and third stops were to next door neighbors who were outside. We all chatted for a bit. One of the women is someone I have spent more time with than most of the other neighbors. It wasn't very long, but I passed out jam to both of them.

The fourth stop was to a family I had only spoken to at the Halloween potluck. I learned that the husband recently had surgery and is on disability. They were preparing to go to the pool so I didn't stay very long.

The fifth visit was up the street to the police officer's house. I hadn't really talked to him since Halloween either. He was a little skeptical about my purpose until I told him I lived three houses down. He remembered my husband and asked how Adam was doing. Kind of funny to me.

My last stop of the afternoon was to a house whose inhabitants I had never met. I had seen the woman going in to the house on the way up to number five so I knew someone was home. I rang the door bell and waited as a dog barked inside. I waited long enough that I didn't think anyone was coming. As I was headed back down the driveway the front door opened. So I met the lady and told her who I was. We talked for a while on her front porch. She's lived here since the beginning of the neighborhood. At one point she asked what I was doing and I told her I was trying to meet some of the neighbors and gave her the jam. She's very friendly.

All in all a very successful first venture. Not at all what I had anticipated. Much, much better in fact. I still have a number of other houses to visit, including our next door neighbor, but I am very encouraged after yesterday. I don't really know what all will come of this, but I am enjoying the process all the same as it's stretching me a little.

How has God been stretching you? How do you engage your community?

3...2...1...Contact

God is so good! I guess He's reading my blog because he certainly responded to the last one. Obviously, not in the comments section or I wouldn't have to tell you about it.

Okay, so I talked about how God has previously humbled me regarding being frustrated with initiating contact with friends. And I really have been okay with this fact as of late. I made plans to attend a friend's bachelorette party in order to spend some time with her (because we all know you don't talk to the bride or groom at their actual wedding and reception). We all had a blast and I am glad that I was proactive. We are headed up to N.C. next weekend for Adam's high school reunion and I have contacted my friends in Winston-Salem to get together while we're up there. I also called a friend I haven't spoken to since December and left her a message. She left me a message so hopefully we'll connect later this week. All of these people mean enough to me that I am willing to put forth an effort even if I'm always the one making contact. (For those of you who don't hear from me, that doesn't mean that I don't like you. Feel free to call me and let me know you're offended. It'll be a great way for us to K.I.T.)

On top of all this exciting catching up, in the last few days I've had two unexpected contacts. My friend Renee emailed me to say that she and the family will be in Atlanta later this week and to see what my schedule looked like. I am so excited to see her and to meet her kids. I haven't seen her since my wedding nearly three years ago. Last night my friend Kim called to say that she and her family will be stopping in Atlanta on their way to Elizabeth City next week and was wondering what we would be up to. I don't work Tuesdays, generally, so I am looking forward to seeing them. I haven't seen her since her first daughter was born a few months after our wedding so that will be fun. God is truly blessing me!

K.I.T.

A while back I was discussing with Adam that it was somewhat frustrating that it seemed that, whenever I communicate with friends from high school or college, it would be because I initiated the contact. It seemed like I was always the one making the effort to stay in touch. Adam asked me if I was the one that generally planned the activities and coordinated gatherings and that was probably true as well. It makes sense that established patterns would be continued. The issue with me was that it felt like I was the only one wanting to keep in touch because I made all of the effort. I was struggling with wanting to feel wanted and pursued. I think that it can be true that I try to hold on to friendships/relationships after their time has expired. I am quite aware that there are seasonal people that are not meant to be lifelong friends, but generally I like my friends so much that I don’t want any of them to be seasonal. However, it is also impossible to sustain a lot of close relationships. And I’m not one to have a lot of surface relationships. I much prefer having a few with deep roots. Still, it’s hard to let go of any. Despite my craziness, God still loves me and shows his love for me. Twice, I’ve been struggling with not hearing from someone who I really want to stay in contact with and then they’ve called when I have pretty much given up hope of ever hearing from them. I know that God can and will provide me with the friendships and supports I need if I will just trust him and ask him.

I think that I’ve gotten better with this issue. In face-to-face interactions with friends, we generally do most of the contacting. We usually understand that people are just busy. There are times when the feelings of frustration arise a bit and I have to remind myself that it’s just life. I’m not going to stop trying to keep up with people just because I don’t want to do all of the initiating. If I did that, I would be pretty lonely. If I want to maintain friendships, then I have to be okay with the work that is involved.

I’m curious as to whether anyone else has struggled with this. If so, what have you done?

Explicit Lyrics Week 4

Note: You may be wondering what happened to week 3. Adam and I were on vacation in Aruba so I will have to listen to the message and post a response later.

Broken Records: When Love Breaks Your Heart
Song of Songs 5:2-6:13

Jeff started out talking about seven major areas of conflict in marriage: communication, finances, sex, raising children, work, in-laws, and major illnesses. Adam and I agreed that three of the last four were not relevant at present to our marriage.

We learned that the number one cause of relational conflict is selfishness and the number one trait for diffusing conflict is humility.

I was already quite aware of selfishness' role in relational conflict. I have been struggling lately with selflessness. I hate admitting that I'm selfish and yet no one would be surprised to hear me say it. The fact is, we all naturally care most about ourselves and our wants and we have to work hard to change our mindset to consider others. It has been a prayer request of mine for quite some time. I can see how my selfishness keeps me from being more loving and considerate of others, especially my spouse. I hate that that's the case but I suppose acknowledgement is the first part of change.

Anywho, in the section of Scripture, we see Beloved choosing her own desires over showing love to Solomon. We also see her seeking to remedy her mistake by searching for Solomon so that she can apologize. And we also see that Solomon does not react negatively to her rejection, but continues to demonstrate his love in spite of his hurt.

That's certainly an example we all can learn from. I know my natural response when hurt is to figure out how the other person can feel as I feel. Now, I generally try to let this thought pass in order to be able to share feelings in a non-hurt, non-aggressive way. However, it goes against every inclination to be loving toward whoever has hurt me. I know that that is what Jesus did, and I want to be like him, but this attitude requires a lot of work and effort.

Jeff said there was research (did not hear source) that found that couples who pray and read their Bible every day (not necessarily together) have a likelihood of divorce of 1 in 1150 couples. Those couples that go to church but do not have these two disciplines have a likelihood of 6 in 10 just like the national average.

He also said that the first nine years of marriage are the toughest. Adam pointed out that we're a third of the way through...

We were told that the bridge from selfishness to humility is service and communication.

We were asked to ponder the following questions in relation to our marriage: Am I giving or demanding in my relationship? Offering or withdrawing? Depositing or taking away? Generous or stingy with affection? Open-handed or close-handed? Easy or hard to get along with?

We are also supposed to sit down and communicate openly and honestly with our spouse about our marriage.

Our final thought was: Fake it until you make it. Act loving until you feel loving.

My personal question from this was how do you distinguish selfishness from legitimate need? There are things that you want your spouse to do for you. Are these things desired from selfishness or are they reasonable requests, things it is okay to ask for? The hard thing for me is to express what I want because there's always the fear of rejection if nothing results. It's one thing to have a need that isn't met because it isn't known. When a need is expressed and then not met, what are you to think? Does the other person not care enough to act? Do they not realize its importance to you? Are they just not able to do it? There are so many unknowns that it's a little scary to be transparent. But I guess that's a risk that one must be willing to take. A need unexpressed will almost always go unfulfilled. One expressed has at least a 50% chance of being met. Those odds are quite a bit better.

So what's my application? Continue to pray and seek to lay aside my selfishness in my relationships. To continue to express love despite what I am receiving (to not let my emotions decide my actions, but truth and what is right).

Romance and Beauty

Yesterday’s message made me think about romance. It is obviously involved in a relationship between a man and a woman. The question is, why does it seem to decrease inside marriage?

In a dating relationship, the man is generally trying to woo the woman and makes gestures to prove his interest in her. He pays attention to what she says and likes and demonstrates his recall in things like acquiring concert tickets or bringing her her favorite variety of flowers. This is definitely what helps increase the interest on her part. It lets her know that he cares about what she likes and that she is important to him. The man knows that he needs to continue to express his interest in her in order for the relationship to progress. Yes, a woman must also do the same, but she tends to have more of a natural inclination for nurturing relationships.

However, it seems that, in many relationships, once the ultimate romantic gesture is given, in the form of a marriage proposal, the man does not seem to deem romance as being as important in the relationship as it once was. However, the problem is that the woman generally still sees romance as evidence that she is desirable to the man. It can be a hit to her self-esteem when it feels like the husband sees no need in continuing to pursue his wife and continue to deepen their relationship. Does the husband feel that since he has “won” her, he’s done? Perhaps he is overwhelmed and busy due to all of the changes and new responsibilities. Maybe he thinks that she should know how much he loves her because he did marry her, after all. I don’t know the reasoning because I am not a man. And I want to say that this does not mean that all men do this. There certainly are men that continue to be romantic throughout their relationship with their wives. I also want to say that there are also women that stop doing the things they did when they were dating – be it dressing less attractively and more frumpy, wearing less makeup, whatever. This is also not right or beneficial for the marriage relationship.

People need to realize that marriage takes continuous effort and work to be the best it can be. We know that all things that are worth it take work. Paychecks require work. Children require work. A close walk with God requires work. Good health requires work. Successful relationships take work.

I’m really not trying to blast men. I know that I don’t always do what I ought to do in my relationship. I can be selfish with my time and motives. But, I don’t want to be and I pray about it often. I want a great, godly marriage and want to do whatever is needed for it to remain that way.

On a related note, it is interesting how romance and beauty are related. In Song of Songs 1:10-11, Solomon says “Your cheeks are beautiful with earrings, your neck with strings of jewels. We will make you earrings of gold, studded with silver.” Jeff said that passage indicates that Solomon knew that every kiss beings with Kay. But it is interesting to think about grand gestures of romance. They tend to involve jewelry, flowers, fancy dinners, etc.

Jewelry is considered pretty and is designed to enhance beauty. It also is meant to convey value or worth. Not just anyone is given expensive adornments, right? It says, I value you and want to express your value by giving you something of value that esteems your worth to me.

Flowers are beautiful and fragrant and are sort of symbolic of a woman. They are a gift of beauty to a beauty. To me they also are a reminder of all of the beauty God has placed in this world. That’s probably why I love spring and fall because I get to see all of the different varieties of beauty. I take pictures of creation because I am in awe of it. Unfortunately, the photos rarely do it justice. A gift of flowers is a reflection of the beauty a husband sees in his wife.

Fancy dinners are another example of expressing someone’s worth. It also usually involves dressing up which speaks to beauty. In this scenario, it is sort of a desire to show off the one in whom you find beauty and value.

I think this is why romance is so important. It helps to convey to the woman that the man finds them beautiful and of great value. We all like to know that we are desired, wanted and accepted. That’s what I love about God. He knows just what makes me feel special and hasn’t stopped showing his love for me since the day I became his. He certainly wooed me before I chose him, but he has not stopped and I know that he won’t. Sometimes I do feel a great need to experience his love for me, but I am not afraid to ask him. I know that he is willing and able. Sometimes my lack of feeling God's love is because I am unable to see his loving gestures even though they are there.

God’s word is such a comfort to me. I love these verses found in the second chapter of the book of Hosea.

“Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. In that day,” declares the Lord, “you will call me ‘my husband’; you will no longer call me ‘my master.’ I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord. I will plant her for myself in the land; I will show my love to the one I called ‘Not my loved one.’ I will say to those called ‘Not my people,’ ‘You are my people’; and they will say, ‘You are my God.’” v. 14,16,19,20,23

Explicit Lyrics Week 1

The Couple's Skate: Love at First Sight

Yesterday's sermon was from Song of Songs 1:1-11 and talked about attraction, the first stage of a relationship. At the beginning, a video was shown of some couples from the church talking about what attracted them to one another. This, of course, caused me to think about when Adam and I knew we were attracted to one another.

Adam would probably say something like he was checking out the ladies in the Statistics class (all 10 of us - it was, after all, a class for engineers) and thought I was the cutest. (He is free to dispute any inaccurate information). I believe he mentioned one day in particular when I wore a pink ribbon in my hair (I know, hard to believe I would do such a thing, huh?).

My point of view is that we met in Statistics class spring semester, he being the guy that kept staring at me and eventually asked to sit next to me in class. We became friends through me trying to witness to him (crazy but true), studying for tests (where we actually talked more than anything) and throwing the frisbee. I'm sure we flirted as well. My thoughts didn't really change from friendly to something more until late summer. That is when my ex-boyfriend (whom I had been dating when I met Adam) told me that he knew I liked other guys, one of them being Adam. I recall thinking, "Adam, why would I like Adam?" This, of course, led me to think about Adam and all of his wonderfulness (even making a list of his qualities - I'm kind of a dork), which brought me to the realization that, yes, I did in fact like him as more than a friend.

You'd think that I would then let him know that I liked him, but things aren't always that simple in Meganland. You see, in less than a month I was headed to Spain for the semester, which meant we wouldn't see each other for four months. My rational self thought that it didn't seem like a good time to pursue a relationship so I prayed a lot about it. Eventually, all of our time together made it obvious to both of us that we liked one another. So, that means that Adam felt some attraction right away, but Ms. Oblivious over here took her sweet time of seven or eight months. Boy am I glad Adam's patient.

I learned in church yesterday that one kiss burns two calories and that Jeff encourages all married men to make out with their wives. In fact, it was assigned as homework. I hope Adam is not a procrastinator. ;-)

Jeff mentioned Proverbs 31:30, which was such a great reminder to me. Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Not that we're not supposed to make ourselves look nice. Our focus should be on our relationship with God. After all, according to Jeff, there's nothing more attractive to a godly man than a woman who is confident in her relationship with God and comfortable with how he made her.

Men were instructed to ask their wives if there was anything in their character that made them unattractive. The women were to ask their husbands if there is anything they can do to be more attractive to them. I wonder how those conversations went yesterday.

So, in all of this, what is my application? Obviously, not to get lazy in my appearance and start wearing sweatpants and baggy tshirts all the time. I guess also to be confident in my relationship with God and not be afraid of what others may think of my passion for the Lord - as it's supposed to be my most attractive feature.

If you are interested in listening to the message for your own application, click here. Jeff and Neal are at the Exponential Conference this week so it may not be available online until this weekend. I would still suggest checking it out.

Things God Has Been Showing Me

I was meeting with my accountability partner, Jill, yesterday and shared with her some things I wrote down not too long ago. I had wanted to make sure I didn't forget the insights I have received about myself because I don't necessarily want to have to be reminded again. I'd rather remember and, hopefully, change. She said that she could relate to a lot of them and thought putting them here on the blog would be a good idea because there might be others who understand and/or feel the same. So, if you happen to read this and can relate to anything, please let me know. Thanks!

1. I let fear keep me from doing what I ought to. Allowing fear to win is ultimately saying that I don't trust God to protect or provide for me. Fear is how Satan keeps me from being effective and powerful.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18
For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." Romans 8:15
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7

2. I don't truly live in light of God's love for me. I don't fully grasp or understand his love. God loves me because he created me - he loves me because I am not because I do. I cannot do anything to cause God to love me more or less. He loves me so much that Jesus died for me. How do you love more than that?
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13

3. God has forgiven me before I even seek forgiveness - that's what Jesus did. He offered forgiveness without knowing whether I would seek it. He loves me so much he is willing to do whatever it takes to be with me. He risks being rejected by me because he believes that the reward of my love is worth any and all humiliation.
But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. The son said to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son." But the father said to his servants, "Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found." Luke 15: 20-24

4. I should be willing to risk it all for God because the possible reward is greater than any possible failure or humiliation. It is worth everything.
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. I Peter 1:6-7

5. I struggle with making myself vulnerable in my relationships. I know that risking rejection allows for greater intimacy and is worth it but the fear still holds me back. I know that many relationships are not as deep as they could be because both people are hesitant to risk due to the fear of rejection.
He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom all men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Isaiah 53:3
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

6. I struggle to give God control of all areas of my life. For example, I want a successful marriage but I act like I am solely responsible for that result. I try to do everything on my own and get frustrated when it doesn't seem to have an effect. I need to constantly and consistently give God the reigns and trust him to do what is needed.
"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." Luke 9:23-24

7. I concern myself too much with what others think of me and not enough with what God thinks. I try to people please and receive acceptance of others rather than being honest about who I am, what I think, and what I want.
Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10

8. Why should I fear others learning of the sins of my past? Should it be so surprising that a sinner has sinned? What should be surprising are the sins I haven't committed, the ones God has protected me from. Proof of sin is not evidence that I do not love God. I do love him. I have repented of my sin. My sin is evidence that I need God - his mercy and grace. God knows my heart and knows that I don't want to sin, but the human state of being (weak flesh) has a propensity for sin. Thank God he continues to love me and show compassion toward me! What can man do to me? I know and admit to being a sinner. I have all the acceptance I need in Jesus Christ.
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. Romans 8:1-2

9. For a long time I have been concerned/a little nervous about publishing the book I am working on because I know that I can't control who reads it and there is the possibility of many people I know reading it. I am concerned about what they will think of my past transgressions, though it shouldn't matter. We all have things we aren't proud of - who are we to judge others for their mistakes? I need to trust God that the risk is worth it and it's for his glory and purposes that this book is being composed.
In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? Psalm 56:4

P.S. - While I was writing my list, I felt the urge to supplement with scriptural truths. Hope it benefited the reading.