Joy Ride - Women's Retreat 2011

This past Friday night/Saturday was our church's women's retreat. It was a wonderful time of insight and refreshment for me. I'd like to share some of them with you.

The theme of the weekend was Joy. During one session we had to share a joy stealer with the other women at our table. I told the story of the Breakup (Quick synopsis: I felt that God wanted me to break up with my boyfriend. I did not want to do it, especially since I thought he was the person I was supposed to marry. I struggled with the decision but was ultimately obedient to God's desire.) and was reminded of it's purpose. God was asking me if I loved him more than anything else - more than my relationships, more than my plans, more than my hopes and desires. Did I trust that his plan was better than mine - was best? Did I trust him with my heart's desires? Choosing obedience meant that I was going all in with God. I was laying down what I thought was my future for whatever God had in store. There was no safety net. During that time of heartache, what kept me going was this thought: Adam is an amazing guy. If we are not supposed to be together, then I am trusting that God has someone even more incredible in store for me as a husband. And I learned that yes, I can trust God with my desires and my future. He came through for me in that situation. Why not trust that he will come through again?

During the retreat I also realized that my personal insecurities and self-consciousness (and desire for approval and acceptance from others) was hindering me from being completely free in loving, following and serving God. I love music and I love singing - especially praises and worship to God. But I don't think I have a good singing voice - mainly because I have a deep voice for a woman. I have long been intimidated singing with others because I fear that I sound bad. And I know that we are to make a joyful noise unto the Lord, but no one wants to be off key, especially with all of the beautiful singers around us.

God had started to help me in this area by making me a mother and giving me a daughter who loves songs. Singing alone to her has given me some confidence. I will even sing at music time with other moms and around my husband (a huge deal). This weekend we had large chunks of song time and I felt God encouraging me to sing to him and forget about everyone else. I sang louder/stronger than I ever have in such a setting (though I can't tell you how loud I actually was). I didn't feel one hundred percent comfortable but I wanted to worship God without holding back out of fear. I think I will still be somewhat self-conscious int his area for a while but I feel that major progress has been made. Maybe one day I will be able to dance and sing with abandon like King David. I wonder if singing lessons would help or just be another stressful experience? (I think I secretly fear that it would be confirmed that I'm hopeless as a singer - an obvious lie from our enemy.)

I also had a wonderful time of meeting with God in prayer and Bible reading out on a dock by the lake. The view was beautiful. I spent time admitting my weaknesses and failures, praising and thanking God, and inviting him to work in and through me. I had really been wanting to be reminded of God's love for me. He blessed me threefold! First, he did something with his creation that he knows I love. Second, he spoke to me through Song of Songs 2:10 (My beloved spoke and said to me, "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me."). When we were handed that verse and I read it, tears spring up in my eyes. I so needed to be reminded that God calls me beautiful and pursues me.

Later that evening, God did a third thing that reminded me of his love and intimate knowledge of me which blew my mind. We had a time of communion followed by the opportunity to be prayed over and consecrate ourselves anew to God. I LOVE being prayed for - it is so encouraging. While I was standing in line I pondered who I hoped would pray for me (there were three women praying). At first I hoped it would be the one who knew me best because, I figured, she would know what to pray for me. I thought some more and then hoped it would be someone who didn't know me well because it would be exciting to hear that prayer. It ended up being a women I don't know very well. She prayed for self-confidence for me. I thought, "Whaaaa...?! How did she know what I needed?!" Then it hit me. DUH!! God told her. He knows me intimately and reminded me of that by speaking straight to my heart through her. There was nothing to do but admit how small I think God is sometimes. Of course he can (and will) meet my deepest needs! He formed me in my mother's womb. He planned the time and place I would be born and live. I am his. Why wouldn't he love and care for me? And this reminder/realization could (and did) yield only one response - repentance for my lack of belief and trust coupled with adoration and praise for how amazing and loving God is. And once again, it was confirmed that I can trust God with my heart and my future. God is so good! Praise him!

Explicit Lyrics Week 6

I know I'm a little behind in posting this. I was in the nursery during service and then out of town at a wedding the following weekend. Regardless I figured it'd be nice to finish up the series for those who might be interested. You can listen to all six messages here. Below are my notes.

Our Song: In It For the Long Haul
Song of Songs 8:5-14

Jeff asked all of the couples if they have a song. I would probably have to say that "Not Fire Not Ice" is our song because it's what we danced to at our reception. However, we both really enjoy Sister Hazel so they could be considered the background noise of our relationship.

In SoS 8:5 Beloved is building Solomon up.
From verses 6-7 Jeff gave us seven aspects of love:

1. Love is personal - a seal is a mark of ownership
2. Love is protective - fighting for and not against one another
3. Love is powerful - as strong as death
4. Love is possessive - you should be one another's ONLY love (good jealousy)
5. Love is passionate - burns like a fire (white hot, consistent, continuous)
6. Love perseveres - water cannot quench it, rivers cannot wash it away (endures hardship)
7. Love is priceless - you can buy sex, but not love; it can only be given

Marriage is supposed to be a display of God's love. What picture of God is our marriage giving to others? Does our marriage display the seven aspects of love to others?

Beloved's brothers (v 8-9) protected her purity in childhood. A lot of what happens in childhood affects our freedom in our marriage. If you didn't have a perfect childhood, God can heal your past.

Challenge to parents to guard their children's purity. In our culture, chastity is not a virtue, it's a joke. That's why parents need to teach them what God says. Don't believe the lie that they are "just going to do it anyway." We are all fully aware of ourselves and choose who to give ourselves to. Help them to see their value and worth so that they don't act like they are cheap or easy.

We all have failed relationally at some point. We have to believe that God can heal anyone and anything.

Personal application: I need to really consider my marriage and what it is revealing about God. Do we demonstrate the seven aspects of love toward one another and others?
I loved the challenge to parents. I am not yet a parent, but I have a passion for encouraging young women to pursue purity. It's essentially the basis for the book I'm writing. I need to continue to work diligently toward it's completion as this message is relevant and needed.

Explicit Lyrics Week 5

Extended Play: Keeping Passion Alive
Song of Songs 7:1-8:3

Message Notes:
At the beginning of the scripture Solomon is once again verbally complimenting his wife, this time starting with the feet and working his way up. Jeff mentioned that only those who were trusted in a household were allowed to wear sandals because it meant they were free to come and go as they pleased. Obviously Solomon trusted his wife. He gave her freedom rather than controlling her.

Verse 4 indicates the importance of privacy and confidentiality in one's marriage so that both partners can feel safe and be free to be honest and vulnerable.

Romance is about giving to one another. Appreciating, valuing and respecting one another. Romance dies when we forget about the preciousness of our mate.

When was the last time you verbally expressed admiration or appreciation to your spouse?

Take time to notice the big and little things your spouse does in/for your marriage.

Never in Song of Songs is there domination of one person over the other. It is a relationship of mutual respect and service.

Early on it was in your nature to be romantic. Later, it must become a discipline. Busyness is the enemy of romance.

To have what you once had, you must do what you once did. Are there romantic things that we used to do that we no longer do?

Romance is rooted in the spontaneous and the unexpected. To get what you've never had, you must do what you've never done.

How can we make sure that our best days are still ahead of us?

Personal application: I should think about what I did to romance Adam when we were dating and determine whether I continue to do those things. If not, I should start to incorporate them into my expressions of love for him. I need to make sure I am letting him know that I appreciate him for who he is and what he does.

Explicit Lyrics Week 3

Great Sexpectations
Song of Songs 4:1-5:1

I listened to this sermon on my way to work yesterday so I probably don't have as many notes as normal due to the fact that I had to remember them and write them down after I finished driving.

Jeff said that most of the world seeks sex as god and that the church tends to portray sex as gross. What needs to happen is for sex to be seen as God created it to be. Yep, God created sex which means that it's not inherently sinful. It's all in how you use the gifts God gives.

Jeff said that great sex is selfless and takes its time. In Scripture we see Solomon complimenting his wife. He starts with her head and works his way down. He is tender with her. He is not rough nor does he rush.

Women have a desire to know and understand a man's mind and heart. Men have a desire to know and understand a woman's anatomy. (Verbal vs. visual)

A wife is her husband's only legitimate source of sexual fulfillment. The woman needs to help her husband keep a pure heart and mind by meeting his needs. 1 Cor 7 is mentioned.

Jeff also says that great sex is sensuous. Women enjoy the emotional, romantic side of love making the most. To a woman, great sex is gentle and slow. To a man, great sex is responsive sex.

The charge for the week was to pray the following prayer: "Dear God, help me to know what to do to please my mate emotionally and sexually, and then give me the desire to do it."

It seems like great sex can be difficult because by nature we are all selfish. We have to first get out of the mind set that it is all about us. If we are to acknowledge that men and women have different needs in sex and set out to meet them, it is likely that in the process our own will be met. When someone gives you a great gift, you usually want to express your appreciation in a reciprocal matter. Why would it be different in this scenario?

My application: Acknowledge and appreciate the differences between men and women. Remember that "it is more blessed to give than to receive". Seek to meet my husband's needs.

Explicit Lyrics Week 4

Note: You may be wondering what happened to week 3. Adam and I were on vacation in Aruba so I will have to listen to the message and post a response later.

Broken Records: When Love Breaks Your Heart
Song of Songs 5:2-6:13

Jeff started out talking about seven major areas of conflict in marriage: communication, finances, sex, raising children, work, in-laws, and major illnesses. Adam and I agreed that three of the last four were not relevant at present to our marriage.

We learned that the number one cause of relational conflict is selfishness and the number one trait for diffusing conflict is humility.

I was already quite aware of selfishness' role in relational conflict. I have been struggling lately with selflessness. I hate admitting that I'm selfish and yet no one would be surprised to hear me say it. The fact is, we all naturally care most about ourselves and our wants and we have to work hard to change our mindset to consider others. It has been a prayer request of mine for quite some time. I can see how my selfishness keeps me from being more loving and considerate of others, especially my spouse. I hate that that's the case but I suppose acknowledgement is the first part of change.

Anywho, in the section of Scripture, we see Beloved choosing her own desires over showing love to Solomon. We also see her seeking to remedy her mistake by searching for Solomon so that she can apologize. And we also see that Solomon does not react negatively to her rejection, but continues to demonstrate his love in spite of his hurt.

That's certainly an example we all can learn from. I know my natural response when hurt is to figure out how the other person can feel as I feel. Now, I generally try to let this thought pass in order to be able to share feelings in a non-hurt, non-aggressive way. However, it goes against every inclination to be loving toward whoever has hurt me. I know that that is what Jesus did, and I want to be like him, but this attitude requires a lot of work and effort.

Jeff said there was research (did not hear source) that found that couples who pray and read their Bible every day (not necessarily together) have a likelihood of divorce of 1 in 1150 couples. Those couples that go to church but do not have these two disciplines have a likelihood of 6 in 10 just like the national average.

He also said that the first nine years of marriage are the toughest. Adam pointed out that we're a third of the way through...

We were told that the bridge from selfishness to humility is service and communication.

We were asked to ponder the following questions in relation to our marriage: Am I giving or demanding in my relationship? Offering or withdrawing? Depositing or taking away? Generous or stingy with affection? Open-handed or close-handed? Easy or hard to get along with?

We are also supposed to sit down and communicate openly and honestly with our spouse about our marriage.

Our final thought was: Fake it until you make it. Act loving until you feel loving.

My personal question from this was how do you distinguish selfishness from legitimate need? There are things that you want your spouse to do for you. Are these things desired from selfishness or are they reasonable requests, things it is okay to ask for? The hard thing for me is to express what I want because there's always the fear of rejection if nothing results. It's one thing to have a need that isn't met because it isn't known. When a need is expressed and then not met, what are you to think? Does the other person not care enough to act? Do they not realize its importance to you? Are they just not able to do it? There are so many unknowns that it's a little scary to be transparent. But I guess that's a risk that one must be willing to take. A need unexpressed will almost always go unfulfilled. One expressed has at least a 50% chance of being met. Those odds are quite a bit better.

So what's my application? Continue to pray and seek to lay aside my selfishness in my relationships. To continue to express love despite what I am receiving (to not let my emotions decide my actions, but truth and what is right).

Explicit Lyrics Week 2

Requests and Dedications: Falling in Love

It may seem that I'm a little belated in writing up my thoughts on this past week's message. I was in the nursery on Sunday and have just now listened to it from our website. It really isn't quite the same as hearing it in person, but I'm thankful for the opportunity to hear it all the same.

This Sunday the theme was dating/courting. Jeff asked everyone to discuss with their neighbor one of three dating experiences: their first date, their most embarrassing date, or their most memorable date (cautioning that the most memorable probably should be one they experienced with their spouse). I honestly don't remember when or what my first date was. It's hard to classify dating when you're in high school and neither person can drive. :-) Since I didn't know I was supposed to swap dating stories with Alex in the nursery, I'll share with you here.

I think my most memorable date was my first Valentine's Day with Adam. During the day he brought me six red roses, each with a little paper heart attached to them. Five of the hearts listed his favorite memories with me in the five months we'd been dating and the sixth was for our future memories (swoon!). He also gave me a note inviting me to his apartment that evening for dinner. When I arrived, he had prepared London broil, broccoli casserole, and chocolate fondue. Yummy! After dinner, he started telling me all of the things he liked about me, but about the third one in he started saying, "I love..." which was a big deal because we had not said "I love you" to one another and Adam had said that he only wanted to say it to the woman he was going to marry. So, I was freaking out in my head (in a good way) and not listening at all to what he was saying (which I have learned was going to be a habit for all of Adam's great romantic speeches, unfortunately). Finally he said that he loves me and I said it back because I do. Such an awesome day!

Thinking about the paper hearts made me want to read them again, so I stopped in the middle of my typing and found them in a little scrapbook I had started when we were dating. I found them along with two poems I had written that Valentine's day before the awesome evening. They're kind of silly and sophomoric, but I'll share one anyway and then get back to the sermon (long sidetrack, huh?).

Questions of Love

When?

I looked into your eyes

Those gorgeous brown eyes

That penetrate deep inside

That see exactly who I am

That reveal so much

I can read your thoughts

Your emotions

Your desires

How?

With every part of me

With Christ's example

My thoughts

My actions

My smile

Why?

Because of Christ in you?

Because I see you?

Because you see me?

Because of the way you make me feel?

Just because?

Does it really matter why?

I only know that I do

And that makes all the difference.

So after all of that, back to task. The sermon went through Song of Songs 1:15-3:5. Adam said that Jeff read SoS 2:16 which is the verse inscribed inside his wedding ring. Jeff talked about how you should never stop dating your spouse and even issued a challenge to the men to take their spouse on a date this week and to be creative. The women were to email Jeff at mystudmuffin@cccobb.com with the details for the chance to win a free dinner for two. I wonder how that'll go.

In the message Jeff talked about how time and separation should kindle (not dwindle) love if you are courting the right person. Just before he said this I had been thinking about how awesome it was that Adam was willing to endure unusual circumstances in order to date me. I mentioned in my post about week 1 of this series that I was concerned about starting a relationship when I was going to be on another continent for a semester. You often hear about the perils of long distance relationships and it seems kind of odd to START dating someone you can only contact via email and telephone and won't physically see for the rest of the year. While we didn't officially term ourselves dating when I headed out, we communicated A LOT via the avenues available to us. In fact, it wasn't until one of my fellow study abroaders asked about our relationship that everything was defined. She asked, "Do you have a boyfriend?" I said, "I don't know, maybe." I then spoke to Adam about what he told people on our next phone call and he said that he said we were dating, which was fine with me. When I reported back, she asked, "Are you exclusive?" Um...*shrug* So you know what the subject of our next conversation was. I said I didn't want to date anyone else and Adam said he didn't either and so we were officially in an exclusive dating relationship. Nice and simple. :-P Anyway, I think our circumstances really allowed us to learn a lot about the other person without the distraction of physical temptation. Of course, when we finally did see each other again...in the airport...with my mom...and two friends, it was a little awkward. Good ole' mom, though, made me walk Adam out after he'd dropped us off at our hotel so that we could have a little one-on-one time. Wow, way sidetracked.

I LOVE our story, can you tell? It's so crazy and awesome and always makes me smile.

Jeff also said that we should feel more alive and our faith should grow when we are with that person. Courting is about emotional discovery and airing out our past. If we aren't comfortable sharing our past with our boy/girlfriend, we should not give them our future. During this time we should also talk about our future plans and hopes to make sure the relationship is on the right track.

His final thought was that God can do incredible things in our lives, but only if we obey him. I think he was referring to being obedient in our relationships, specifically in regards to purity within them.

Obedience to God has kind of been a theme for me recently. Jill and I talked about it on Tuesday. I mentioned it in the last message response post. Jeff talked about it in this message. I guess that continues to be my application until I get it down. Not that I am necessarily being purposefully obedient. It is more of recognizing God's will for me and acting on it. Doing what is necessary regardless of how I feel. Sacrificing selfish desires and personal needs to show God's love through my life.

P.S. - Somehow the paragraph spacing stopped after the poem and I don't know how to fix it again. Anyone who knows what may have happened, please let me know. It looks fine in compose mode, but when I hit "Preview" it all squeezed together. Thanks!

Explicit Lyrics Week 1

The Couple's Skate: Love at First Sight

Yesterday's sermon was from Song of Songs 1:1-11 and talked about attraction, the first stage of a relationship. At the beginning, a video was shown of some couples from the church talking about what attracted them to one another. This, of course, caused me to think about when Adam and I knew we were attracted to one another.

Adam would probably say something like he was checking out the ladies in the Statistics class (all 10 of us - it was, after all, a class for engineers) and thought I was the cutest. (He is free to dispute any inaccurate information). I believe he mentioned one day in particular when I wore a pink ribbon in my hair (I know, hard to believe I would do such a thing, huh?).

My point of view is that we met in Statistics class spring semester, he being the guy that kept staring at me and eventually asked to sit next to me in class. We became friends through me trying to witness to him (crazy but true), studying for tests (where we actually talked more than anything) and throwing the frisbee. I'm sure we flirted as well. My thoughts didn't really change from friendly to something more until late summer. That is when my ex-boyfriend (whom I had been dating when I met Adam) told me that he knew I liked other guys, one of them being Adam. I recall thinking, "Adam, why would I like Adam?" This, of course, led me to think about Adam and all of his wonderfulness (even making a list of his qualities - I'm kind of a dork), which brought me to the realization that, yes, I did in fact like him as more than a friend.

You'd think that I would then let him know that I liked him, but things aren't always that simple in Meganland. You see, in less than a month I was headed to Spain for the semester, which meant we wouldn't see each other for four months. My rational self thought that it didn't seem like a good time to pursue a relationship so I prayed a lot about it. Eventually, all of our time together made it obvious to both of us that we liked one another. So, that means that Adam felt some attraction right away, but Ms. Oblivious over here took her sweet time of seven or eight months. Boy am I glad Adam's patient.

I learned in church yesterday that one kiss burns two calories and that Jeff encourages all married men to make out with their wives. In fact, it was assigned as homework. I hope Adam is not a procrastinator. ;-)

Jeff mentioned Proverbs 31:30, which was such a great reminder to me. Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Not that we're not supposed to make ourselves look nice. Our focus should be on our relationship with God. After all, according to Jeff, there's nothing more attractive to a godly man than a woman who is confident in her relationship with God and comfortable with how he made her.

Men were instructed to ask their wives if there was anything in their character that made them unattractive. The women were to ask their husbands if there is anything they can do to be more attractive to them. I wonder how those conversations went yesterday.

So, in all of this, what is my application? Obviously, not to get lazy in my appearance and start wearing sweatpants and baggy tshirts all the time. I guess also to be confident in my relationship with God and not be afraid of what others may think of my passion for the Lord - as it's supposed to be my most attractive feature.

If you are interested in listening to the message for your own application, click here. Jeff and Neal are at the Exponential Conference this week so it may not be available online until this weekend. I would still suggest checking it out.