K.I.T. and Facebook

I am once again feeling a little frustrated about the issue of maintaining relationships. This time it's slightly different. I am recently aware of my efforts to contact people and then not receiving a response back. My previous concern was with having to always initiate contact. This new revelation is like the second layer - initiating but then hearing nothing in reply.

I do realize that people are busy. I also know how hard it is to maintain long-distance relationships, especially when you have friendships in your local area that you are trying to maintain. I can't really fault anyone for choosing to spend their time keeping up with those they see over those they used to see. It can be a little difficult for me sometimes to lose once-close friendships. I guess my purpose in blogging about it is to help me deal with the emotions involved with losing friends. Sharing helps me to let go and move on.

I am realizing more and more that Facebook has become a way to appear to maintain contact with others. You "friend" someone because you have known them at some point in your life. You may never visit their page or comment on their status or photos, but you feel like you're still connected. You may decide to look at their info every once in a while, but choose not to leave any indication that you visited. Relationships usually involve communication (specifically two-way) and Facebook (or Myspace - I'm not prejudiced) has helped to disconnect us even more while helping us to think that we're actually more connected. I think it would be interesting if there was a feature that would remove friends from your list if no contact had been made between either party for a certain period of time. I know I'd have a lot fewer "friends".

And that's another thing that irks me but that I am guilty of as well. "Facebook friends" - people that you don't really care to stay in regular contact with but are okay with them learning about your life online. It can really hurt to learn that you have been relegated to "Facebook friend" status when you thought you and the other person were closer than that - this happens when you learn about some major life change/event via the person's status rather than a phone call, email or some other somewhat direct mode of contact. I realize that email can be depersonalized, just like those group Messages people send out through Facebook, but at least they thought about clicking on your address versus skipping over you. Not that this really brings much comfort.

Okay, enough of that for today. I didn't even mention the whole mess of "defriending", which I'm sure will be discussed in a future rant. Until then, just because you never hear from me on Facebook doesn't mean you aren't important to me... (Right?)

3...2...1...Contact

God is so good! I guess He's reading my blog because he certainly responded to the last one. Obviously, not in the comments section or I wouldn't have to tell you about it.

Okay, so I talked about how God has previously humbled me regarding being frustrated with initiating contact with friends. And I really have been okay with this fact as of late. I made plans to attend a friend's bachelorette party in order to spend some time with her (because we all know you don't talk to the bride or groom at their actual wedding and reception). We all had a blast and I am glad that I was proactive. We are headed up to N.C. next weekend for Adam's high school reunion and I have contacted my friends in Winston-Salem to get together while we're up there. I also called a friend I haven't spoken to since December and left her a message. She left me a message so hopefully we'll connect later this week. All of these people mean enough to me that I am willing to put forth an effort even if I'm always the one making contact. (For those of you who don't hear from me, that doesn't mean that I don't like you. Feel free to call me and let me know you're offended. It'll be a great way for us to K.I.T.)

On top of all this exciting catching up, in the last few days I've had two unexpected contacts. My friend Renee emailed me to say that she and the family will be in Atlanta later this week and to see what my schedule looked like. I am so excited to see her and to meet her kids. I haven't seen her since my wedding nearly three years ago. Last night my friend Kim called to say that she and her family will be stopping in Atlanta on their way to Elizabeth City next week and was wondering what we would be up to. I don't work Tuesdays, generally, so I am looking forward to seeing them. I haven't seen her since her first daughter was born a few months after our wedding so that will be fun. God is truly blessing me!

K.I.T.

A while back I was discussing with Adam that it was somewhat frustrating that it seemed that, whenever I communicate with friends from high school or college, it would be because I initiated the contact. It seemed like I was always the one making the effort to stay in touch. Adam asked me if I was the one that generally planned the activities and coordinated gatherings and that was probably true as well. It makes sense that established patterns would be continued. The issue with me was that it felt like I was the only one wanting to keep in touch because I made all of the effort. I was struggling with wanting to feel wanted and pursued. I think that it can be true that I try to hold on to friendships/relationships after their time has expired. I am quite aware that there are seasonal people that are not meant to be lifelong friends, but generally I like my friends so much that I don’t want any of them to be seasonal. However, it is also impossible to sustain a lot of close relationships. And I’m not one to have a lot of surface relationships. I much prefer having a few with deep roots. Still, it’s hard to let go of any. Despite my craziness, God still loves me and shows his love for me. Twice, I’ve been struggling with not hearing from someone who I really want to stay in contact with and then they’ve called when I have pretty much given up hope of ever hearing from them. I know that God can and will provide me with the friendships and supports I need if I will just trust him and ask him.

I think that I’ve gotten better with this issue. In face-to-face interactions with friends, we generally do most of the contacting. We usually understand that people are just busy. There are times when the feelings of frustration arise a bit and I have to remind myself that it’s just life. I’m not going to stop trying to keep up with people just because I don’t want to do all of the initiating. If I did that, I would be pretty lonely. If I want to maintain friendships, then I have to be okay with the work that is involved.

I’m curious as to whether anyone else has struggled with this. If so, what have you done?